Team: Magistrelli, Di Fabio, Holmes, Pellegry J, Herrity, Den Hartog, Jolliffe, Wright, Denholm, Fitgibbon

Subs:Williams and Norton

MOM: John Holmes

So my co-captain and and administrative Wonder Horse, McCreath has been pushing me for weeks to do this report and I decided to let the dust settle, reflect on things and write a very balanced and articulated report. In fact I reckon that if I would have written the report straight after the game I would have had less admirers than little old Salman Rushdie when he wrote his controversial little ditty all them years ago!

Just think back, it must have been circa 1990 ( don’t quote me ) Liverpool were League Champions, Chelsea were renting their ground from the local Fishermonger as they couldn’t afford to buy it and “ Life tasted Good“ ( copyright Coca Cola )

Anyway, on with the match. This was the big one they said, the game against “ You know who” ( no not Voldemort ) but British United. Sheekey Sheeks sent round a picture of the enemy so that we could get to know who they are before the match.

He should’ve sent round a picture of RBBFC 4ths so we could actually have remembered that we had to pass to the blokes in the White shirts!

It was a glorious day for football and everyone was up for it, one of the captains decided to ask everyone to arrive at 7.15 am so that we could have a Team Talk ( 27 times ) and get warmed up for 6 hours. Hey, that’s it, it was Herrity’s fault he bored us all into submission and we were like extra’s for Michael Jackson’s famous Thriller video before the game. Some of the lucky one’s even got to touch Jacko, or was it the other way round! ( oops Laywer )

We decided to kick up hill in the first half as we always like a challenge and we are always much stronger in the second half due to our superior fitness J

We started with the famous 3-5-2 formation, which may be disbanded after this game for a 7,3,1 formation as our Italian Mafia backers have had a word with the Chairman.

The great thing about writing the report two weeks late is that you forget loads of things and you can gloss over any poor performance. In all honesty we weren’t at our best in the first half and were second to the ball all over the pitch, the first hour passed by without any major incidents although I remember that Magistrelli made a couple of decent saves.

It was 0-0 at half time and Jose Mourinhno ( McCreath ) made his thoughts clear – we needed to be first to the ball, my players are the best, who is Ashley Cole, I had a meeting with Adriano and do you like my coat I bought it outside of The Fuse at that Flee Market on a Sunday!

The second half started and we were out of the blocks faster than Jabba the Hut, yes that fast! Unfortunately the first goal went to United. Sheekey made his first mistake since 1973 and the forward was in and scored the first goal. The second goal was a bit unlucky too, Pancho ( as his mates call him ) got away from the wall they call Herrity and unleashed, well erm a pretty poor shot at goal, it then bounced off the Everberg divot as Magistrelli went to collect it and bounced over his shoulder into the goal.

The rally cries from the home team started in order to make a famous comeback, but it was a bit like being on Henman hill, “ You cheer for the fcker but you know he is going to fck it!” In an act of sheer desperation Jose “Mccreath” Mourinho brought on his subs, however his instructions were not so clear to his Co-Captain on the pitch and they proceeded to have an argument, much to the amusement of British United and the rest of the 5 Million viewers on Sky TV. So after 5 minutes of confusion it was established that Magistrelli was up-front, Olly and Sergio weren’t playing and British Utd were 4-0 up!

The last 5 mins were a bit of a blur for me but I do know this:

We are as good as any team in this League, apart from the ones above us!

In an Age where 4th is the new first, it is important that we keep going until the end of the season as even if we do not finish in the automatic promotion spots, there can be Teams dropping out from higher Leagues and we could profit ( Yes, 4th place Champions League and more profit says our Chairman.)

SO THAT’S THE STORY SO FAR……………..