TEAM: Williamson (G), Talib, James, Hyde, Knott, White, Macdonald, Riley, Dean, Ffinch, Francey SUBS: Gallagher (Dermot variety), Mazurkiewicz

With casualties mounting across the Club, preparation for this Saturday’s fixtures was a bit like the Rorke’s Drift roll-call at the end of Zulu. Picture the scene as Sergeant Major Psycho Williamson orders the parade to attention and calls the roll to check for casualties: “Wrigley?” “ ....Gone sir, went down to a nasty two-footer from Ledbury the other Wednesday night. “ “Sage?” “He’s out too – Colonel Mustard caught him a blinder on the shin, sausage side”. “De Home Brew? De Home Brew? I’ve seen you, you’re alive!” “Er...no Sir, he fell to an Ikea between the shoulder blades....I, I... don’t know whether he’ll ever be the same again”.

The Tourinnois hordes had just shipped thirteen past the Micks only a week ago and were looking to build on their rampaging start. With Knotty carrying some shrapnel and the Skipper looking fit for the knackers yard, things were looking a bit dicey. Sgt Major Psycho was beginning to wonder how vets 2 were going to mobilise their depleted forces to face the oncoming slaughter. The answer wasn’t far. The Old Contemptibles, Ady Talib and Dermott Gallagher were called forward from HQ to help man the trenches . Hurrah!

The normally vacuous and invariably lengthy team talk was given an added boost, courtesy of some highly powerful painkilling and mind altering drugs quaffed by the Skipper an hour before KO. Forgetting his own tactical inadequacies (severe) and the team’s skills (limited), he spent 30 minutes explaining the 4-5-1 line-up which saw Scott just in front of the back four of Alex, Darren, Kev and Ady (thrilled to be shoved in at the back), with Colonel Mustard guarding the right flank and Deano pushing up the left. The assault formation was completed by Riley (counting sunbeams and humming happily to himself) in the centre, with Kenny dropping back to provide additional depth to the centre of midfield leaving Ffinchy as the lone striker in no-man’s land.

It was a gorgeous afternoon for battle. Visors down and bayonets fixed, off we went. It was pretty clear from the outset that the Tourinnois Legion hadn’t been having the same selection challenges as RBBFC. Strong, competent and composed to a man, they knocked the ball around confidently from the off; passing from defence through midfield, demonstrating flair and pace. It must be said that Vets 2 seem to take a while to get going with speed and first touch somewhat wanting in the first 15 minutes. Despite this, everyone worked hard to close down a series of attacks and the boys held their lines well. And notwithstanding the apparent disparity in skill and strength, the boys from Tourinnois didn’t have too many direct openings.

But after 15 minutes, disaster struck. Moving steadily up Vets 2 right flank having out manoeuvred our midfield, one of the lanky Tourinnois troopers cut inside to find the Vets 2 defence sat back just a few a yards too deep in our own penalty area. Before we could close him down he fired off a stunning strike from just outside the box which veered away from the stranded Sgt Major Psycho and into the bottom left corner. Direct hit. One nil the visitors.

But in true bulldog fashion, heads didn’t go down. With grim determination and with the sun on their backs, Vets 2 plugged away, alternately shifting and covering for each other as Tourinnois relaxed into their game. Going forward was tough against a very organised and skilful defence. Although Vets 2 were able to move the ball up to Kenny from time to time, and to get it wide to Colonel Mustard and Deano on the flanks, the defence was invariably able to smother our attacks and we rarely provided quality ball into the box. It would seem a repetition of last season’s challenge – when up against a handy team, the midfield struggles to cover sufficiently and the defence gets pushed too deep. We went into half time one nil down and still in it, but knowing we had a lot of work to do.

Second half got underway and, as in previous weeks, Vets 2 seemed to find their footing. We were taking the Tourinnois attacks in our stride, with both a composed Darren clearing the lines solidly, and the rest of the defence hustling hard with a stoic performance from out of position Ady. Midfield were also busting a gut to keep up with the flowing movement of the opposition. This half we were seeing more of the ball and pushing the visitors back into their own half. We still couldn’t seem to string that essential last ball into Kenny or Ffinchy’s feet when it really mattered. And perhaps unsurprisingly, 15 minutes into the second half, we failed to close down one the marauding opponents just inside the box – he caught the ball well and hoofed it low and to the left of Psycho – 2–0 Tourinnois.

Deano made way for Dermot and Ady for Mazzer as we headed into the last 20. We managed to create one half-chance for Alex Knott who didn’t manage his shot on target and Sgt Major Psycho decided to leave his trench to single-handedly snuff out an enemy attack down the right flank. He has been gently encouraging higher headquarters to put him in for a VC as a reward for the cheeky nutmeg he pulled off against their attacker almost on the corner flag. Another steady performance from our slightly deranged improvised goalkeeper.

It ended 2-0. Although disappointing, British were up against very stiff opposition and were beaten by two very well taken goals. Despite their dominance, Tourinnois didn’t get the walkover that perhaps some of us feared might happen. Our work-rate was high and no-one let themselves down. What we need now is a goal or two to settle the nerves......then we can really launch our own offensive to seize the top spot and the promotion that is deservedly ours for the taking!!!!!!!!! ......or perhaps that’s the drugs talking again.