Team: K.Mercelis - N.Mcgrath, B.Thom, D.Bernardo - A.Hodgson, S.Lamarra, R.McGeehan, M.Vadora, J.Philpot, T.Kellerman, D.Donner

Subs: S.Takeda, S.Lachia, D.Lebbink

Fans: 7 (un-named for their protection)

After a disappointing draw the previous week, all signs were pointing towards RBB getting back to winning ways against a bunch of pseudo footballers. First however, Rich detailed his tactical plan for every minute of the game; Zone A, B and C were all re-explained. Was his message absorbed fully and will he need to repeat this again next week? Probably. Perhaps extra Zone is needed as well – Zone D, the penalty box (f***ing shoot Tommy!!).

A slight tactical switch saw Philpot moved to RWB and a full debut for Ben Thom at CB – in front of the visiting Ms Thom no less: a savvy veteran move from the Captain. Hodge was moved to LWB in light of the fact that Philpot has no left foot and Michele dropped into midfield to provide extra...dunno. Up front Tommy was restored after having a great week at training, partnering Daniel.

Out we went for an extensive warm up, with no sign of the opposition except for rumours of their infamous delegue chatting up Mike in the bar. With the ref almost ready to blow for the kickoff, the opposition finally arrive wearing futsal slippers and Primark trainers.

The game kicked off and despite appearances (by which I mean their midfielder being the size of Steve, Rich and Michele combined) they could actually pass the ball reasonably well, and this, coupled with the futsal tactic of falling over and complaining loudly lead to numerous freekicks and Entente retaining possession. Thom, a bit unused to such deviant tactics (compared proper British football) unfortunately gave away a penalty (in front of the visiting Ms Thom no less, lets hope she didn’t notice!) after slight contact in the box. The ref, having spent the pre match (and half time and post match) suspiciously close to their Delegue, perhaps unsurprisingly, gave the penalty.

Up steps futsal no.6 and tickles the ball towards the corner. But in goal is Kris and his glorious hair, who makes an excellent save to keep the score 0-0.

Before or after this ( I can’t really remember), RBB should have taken the lead when pressure from Philpot lead to RBB winning the ball on the edge of the Entente box. With no defenders between Tommy and the goal all that was needed was a simple pass to Tommy’s feet. Instead Philpot put it out for a goalkick. As I said, no left foot. Tommy should have been on his toes though.

Mid way through the half, the ref decides that he clearly isn’t doing enough for Entente. So after Rich stuck a toe in on the halfway line the ball deflects all the way back to Kris who picks it up, the referee, because he has never played football in his life and therefore doesn’t realise that the last thing someone thinks before making a tackle is ‘maybe I could pass this back to the goalkeeper’, decides that this is a pass back and gives an indirect freekick just inside the box. After another devious futsal move – a backheel pass- Entente slot the ball in the back of the net.

RBB refuse to panic, and continue to try and play football. However, it was all a bit disjointed with moves breaking down several times. But just before half time, they get a chance to show their quality. After a corner or free kick (again, can’t remember) was half cleared, Michele gets on the ball and showed what the extra something was that he brought to midfield. With the defence rushing up, he floated a nice ball over the top to McGrath who is left all alone in the box. Showing the kind of composure that had been missing from the team that half, he brought it down and shinned it into the corner of the goal. 1-1 to the good guys!

After some words at half time – basically play better, and they will start to get tired as they aren’t used to playing on a real man’s pitch- RBB take control in the second half. The game is played almost entirely in the Entente end of the pitch, but despite getting in promising situations RBB never seemed to make the right decision. Kellerman was probably most culpable of this- whilst through 1 on 1 with the keeper he decided to square the ball back to Rich, only to play a Philpot-esque pass behind the man. Awful.

Perhaps the best situations came from attacking their left back, who Philpot had on the ropes the entire second half – but again, lack of composure with the final ball squandered these opportunities. Still, on another day RBB could have banged in 6. With news from the 2nds filtering through of a potential goal of the season, Dex thought he would show them how the 1st team rolls and produced the miss of the season. At a corner, Rich delivers a peach of a ball in that actually looks like it will sneak in the bottom corner – until Dex, from literally on the f***ing goal line, sticks his foot in the way and boots it over the bar. Great defensive instincts, terrible terrible finish.

Providing humour throughout the 2nd half is Steve, who, absent of playing football, decided to wind up one of their players in an unusual manner. Having ignored the first warning Steve gave him, futsal no.8 came back for more, prompting a swift and brutal reaction: the nipple twist. Executed flawlessly, no doubt through years of practicing with the other boys in the changing room, futsal no.8 can’t believe what has happened. The referee, having no clue by this point where he is or what he is doing, books them both.

Continuing the theme of poor refereeing, he had one more decision to get badly wrong. A defensive header goes straight up in the air, and waiting underneath to control it is Kellerman – until an Entente player rugby tackles him out of the way. Despite this egregious assault, the referee waves play on, and then explained that the contact was exaggerated and that he would not be awarding a penalty for a dive. Something we know Tommy would never do.

With RBB’s sense of injustice boiling over, things got even worse. After a RBB corner, Entente sweep forward on the counter and with the last kick of the match stick the ball in the net.

Final score: RBB 1 – Entente 2.

MOM: Kris Mercelis, for having great hair and saving the penalty.

Reporter & MOM Runner-up: James Philpot (stepping in for Kurly Kris as he is off in E.Europe doing who knows what).